I have never actually questioned the way I think, and have always believed it to simply be "me" and that which is real to me and simply "true." While I have been aware that the way people think is actually interpretive and based on their perception, experience, world view, chemistry, etc., I have always tended to believe what I think, seeing it as more or less valid and credible. I suppose my thinking could be considered in many respects to be "depressive" by an external observer, though I have seen it as "sensitive, intuitive, deep, and profound." A few years ago, I felt that I was perhaps "suffering unduly" and questioned whether or not this was simply due to the way in which I thought rather than to any particular "truth of my being." I questioned the reality of my being, of my world, and decided to take an antidepressant. My doctor described it as just "changing my brain chemistry a bit," and it sounded doable to me. After a few weeks, I found that I was not only "happy," but rather extremely so. I was smiling at everyone, including adults, and petting dogs, god forbid. It was as though some happy alien was now living in my body, making me happy and think happy thoughts. It was horrendous. Much too much happiness; for me, a little goes a long way. So I stopped taking it, and, with a relief, was able to return to my normal, dark, somber, negative self, which made me very happy indeed.
Now, a few years have passed, and I again am seriously questioning the truth and validity of the particular way in which I think and view the world. I am very aware of the highly subjective and interpretive way in which we think and consequently view the world, and behave (or not) in it. I am giving it another try to see if perhaps, by adding a bit of serotonin to my brain chemistry, my thinking might actually change, even improve. "Improve" is a "loaded" word, I know, but perhaps my stress level might lessen. I am a caregiver to people I love who are disabled, and this responsibility weighs heavily upon me; I perhaps "feel their pain" a bit too much. So a pill could perhaps actually help reduce this stress. Is this something I want to be sharing with "the world"? Since I'm not the only one faced with such a situation, I feel that to share it might actually somehow help someone, even if it's just one person. But no one even reads this blog, I'm old and don't care what people may think anyway, so I feel that it's OK to philosophize about the inner questioning that goes on. I'm surely not the first or only person to do it. I have talked with people, including my neighbor just yesterday, about taking serotonin as an antidepressant, and have heard different perspectives and outcomes. It may still be that I am happiest and most "at home" in my "depression," but I want to see what happens, so I am willing to be the subject of my own study. If I become a "happy alien", I'll stop taking it. Even though no one reads this, I'll still check in down the line.
Now, a few years have passed, and I again am seriously questioning the truth and validity of the particular way in which I think and view the world. I am very aware of the highly subjective and interpretive way in which we think and consequently view the world, and behave (or not) in it. I am giving it another try to see if perhaps, by adding a bit of serotonin to my brain chemistry, my thinking might actually change, even improve. "Improve" is a "loaded" word, I know, but perhaps my stress level might lessen. I am a caregiver to people I love who are disabled, and this responsibility weighs heavily upon me; I perhaps "feel their pain" a bit too much. So a pill could perhaps actually help reduce this stress. Is this something I want to be sharing with "the world"? Since I'm not the only one faced with such a situation, I feel that to share it might actually somehow help someone, even if it's just one person. But no one even reads this blog, I'm old and don't care what people may think anyway, so I feel that it's OK to philosophize about the inner questioning that goes on. I'm surely not the first or only person to do it. I have talked with people, including my neighbor just yesterday, about taking serotonin as an antidepressant, and have heard different perspectives and outcomes. It may still be that I am happiest and most "at home" in my "depression," but I want to see what happens, so I am willing to be the subject of my own study. If I become a "happy alien", I'll stop taking it. Even though no one reads this, I'll still check in down the line.
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