Right before I wake up in the morning, right after my last vivid dream, what comes to me in my thoughts is so lucid, so clear. I see things as they actually are. I see responsibility and opportunity to act exactly as they are. And then, since it's still quite early and I am still tired, I go back to sleep briefly, tending to forget everything that came to me. But sometimes I get up or don't quite sleep, and my earlier lucid thoughts are remembered. All in all, there is a "swamp of name and form" to be moved through, not just for me but for all of us. When I first awaken in the morning I actually wonder how I can get through another day of mundane, absurd existence in this body. My dreams are so vivid and alive and not in the flesh that my awakening in the flesh is a rude one that does dismay me initially. Each day it takes an hour or so to adapt once again to being in this body, in this world, this illusory, false world of social convention and sheer need to eat and otherwise survive in the flesh. I am made so aware of the profound limitations, especially in that which I am able to see, to notice, to be aware of. Awareness is so utterly limited; we miss so much that is there, that actually should be noticed, rather than the things we have been trained to notice, like, for instance, not only what others are saying in so many ways that are the total opposite of what they may be saying or doing, but in ourselves as well. And when others do speak the truth about how they may feel or how they perceive, rather than actually hearing what they are telling us, which is their truth, we instead "take it personally," feeling hurt and misunderstood. I say "we" and mean "I", though it is not just true for me.
In fact, I, in my self-centeredness, ignorance, and simple obliviousness, have affected others to the extent that I did much to destroy them and their lives. Not knowing myself adequately at all, and not even being particularly interested in this, I made mistakes that directly influenced other people, doing immense damage to them and inflicting destruction to their very lives. And when they have had the guts to let me know this, I, who believe that I am truly a "good person" who is "doing the right thing", have been hurt and insulted. That I have been ignorant rather than malicious, unintentional rather than intentional, does not mitigate the effects of the mistakes made. I call them "mistakes" because they were not intentional. But once the harm is done, one cannot undo it. I should have at least learned from my mistakes; that's the least we can do. I never even expressed "mea culpas" since I could not even see, much less acknowledge, mistakes I had made. Let me be specific: In one instance, I simply repacked a box of my wife's things and piled it a bit higher in the garage. In repacking it, I put more things into it "to save space", and never even considered that it might now be too heavy for her to lift. Then I added to the problem I had created by putting it further out of her reach. Then, while on a ladder she then needed in order to reach the box, she tried to lift it, and the accident happened that caused her to be disabled and in severe perpetual pain. All I needed to have done to avoid this catastrophe was THINK about what I was doing. That's all. But I was simply my automatic self, doing what I do. When I asked my doctor about my culpability in the accident, he said, "You were just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not your fault. It would've happened sooner or later." No. He was wrong. It wasn't just an accident waiting to happen; it was a mistake that I made in my obliviousness that severely negatively affected another's life. I must take responsibility for that. How does one take responsibility for such a thing? First, my realizing that one is responsible, and, second, by becoming aware of what one is doing and how one is being. I do take care of my wife but I wish I hadn't been so much in my stupor. This is a hard mistake to learn from, and one that is so obvious that you would think that I had learned from it a long time ago. But it took seven years to finally see what I had done. And, once I saw that, I began to see all the other things that I had done that affected others.
In fact, I, in my self-centeredness, ignorance, and simple obliviousness, have affected others to the extent that I did much to destroy them and their lives. Not knowing myself adequately at all, and not even being particularly interested in this, I made mistakes that directly influenced other people, doing immense damage to them and inflicting destruction to their very lives. And when they have had the guts to let me know this, I, who believe that I am truly a "good person" who is "doing the right thing", have been hurt and insulted. That I have been ignorant rather than malicious, unintentional rather than intentional, does not mitigate the effects of the mistakes made. I call them "mistakes" because they were not intentional. But once the harm is done, one cannot undo it. I should have at least learned from my mistakes; that's the least we can do. I never even expressed "mea culpas" since I could not even see, much less acknowledge, mistakes I had made. Let me be specific: In one instance, I simply repacked a box of my wife's things and piled it a bit higher in the garage. In repacking it, I put more things into it "to save space", and never even considered that it might now be too heavy for her to lift. Then I added to the problem I had created by putting it further out of her reach. Then, while on a ladder she then needed in order to reach the box, she tried to lift it, and the accident happened that caused her to be disabled and in severe perpetual pain. All I needed to have done to avoid this catastrophe was THINK about what I was doing. That's all. But I was simply my automatic self, doing what I do. When I asked my doctor about my culpability in the accident, he said, "You were just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not your fault. It would've happened sooner or later." No. He was wrong. It wasn't just an accident waiting to happen; it was a mistake that I made in my obliviousness that severely negatively affected another's life. I must take responsibility for that. How does one take responsibility for such a thing? First, my realizing that one is responsible, and, second, by becoming aware of what one is doing and how one is being. I do take care of my wife but I wish I hadn't been so much in my stupor. This is a hard mistake to learn from, and one that is so obvious that you would think that I had learned from it a long time ago. But it took seven years to finally see what I had done. And, once I saw that, I began to see all the other things that I had done that affected others.
No comments:
Post a Comment